I've decided that Thankful Thursday always seems to happen on the day that I need it most. Or, I guess, Thursdays just really stink around here :). Anyways, to give you some background, in the wee hours of the morning both of my kids decided that they weren't feeling really sleepy. Little David kept crying for reasons I couldn't figure out, then he woke up Tot and she started crying saying it was too dark, she was too thirsty, she missed her daddy, and that she was scared. An hour and a half later (I kid you not) they were finally asleep. Then the cramping started. For reasons unknown (not just trying to be polite, I really don't know), I started to have the worst cramps. 30 minutes later they were gone and I finally got to sleep. 3 hours later it was time for David to wake up and of course, Tot woke up, too, as soon as he started his truck down the driveway. She had wet through her pants, was thirsty, was hungry, wanted to watch a cartoon, wanted Mommy to quit trying to sleep and missed her daddy. Guys, I lost it, completely just lost it. I was absolutely exhausted, frustrated, I knew she was going to wake up Little David with her whiney/crying jet, and that I wasn't going to get any more sleep and it all sat upon weeks of building stress that I had been trying to press down and instead it just erupted.
So I yelled.
She of course starts crying even worse and actually shrinks back from me, because I absolutely never yell. It's just not my personality and I just don't. Well, today I did. And I was mean, I'm pretty sure I told her to "Just shut up, Mommy's so so tired and she just needs five freaking minutes to wake up before she gets your freaking blue cup of milk, okay??" Yeah. So I storm out of our room and into the kitchen where I promptly break down and ball not believing I could have just been so mean and horrible to my sweet Tot who just wanted a glass of milk.
I got her the milk, came back to my room, and sat on the bed and she and I cried together for a good five minutes. I apologized for yelling and for being mean and I told her I loved her and that I was wrong and that God didn't like it when Mommies were mean to their Tots. She said "It's okay mommy, I wub you too, and God no like it when Mommies pop me either". I explained that even though I was wrong and sorry it didn't mean she had a free pass on spankings from here on out.
So we made up, snuggled and went back to bed and she watched a cartoon while I snoozed another hour.
Which brings me to Thankful Thursday. This has been a rough couple of months for me, with Little Davids stuff, general busyness, and not a lot of relaxing time away from the kids. I've been having a difficult time and have been telling myself to suck it up, that lots of people have much worse problems and much more stressful things, and that I just need to quit whining and get on with it. However, I realized that part of the problem is trying to pretend that things aren't stressful and going on with your life acting like you're doing fine. Instead, I should be digging into my bible finding my peace there, structuring my day to give myself time to accomplish the necessary parts of life and still giving myself the needed break, and then actually taking the break and not wasting it planning more and bigger projects for me to do within a certain period of time. I should be talking to people more and moping around less. And most of all, I should be diligent about being thankful for all of the awesome things that are in my life. You know, I have it pretty great. When I start to feel like I'm unraveling from the inside, I need to look at the outside and remember all of the things that aren't falling apart.
And this is what is not falling apart in my life:
1. My marriage. Dave and I have a wonderful relationship that I wish everyone else had. He's always gentle to me and taking care of me and making me laugh. He's my rock and quite a funny rock at that. I am genuinely, completely content with him.
2. My parenting skills. Even though I have some pretty stinky moments, I always make sure my kids know that I love them to bits and I make sure they get plenty of hugs, kisses, snuggles, teachable moments, and instructions. I'm never afraid to tell them I did something wrong or that I'm sorry
3. My home. Yes, there is a mountain of laundry in my room, but it's clean. Yes, there are toys everywhere, but each night they get cleaned up. It may not be perfect, but it's wonderful.
4. My friendships. I have great friends who talk me down from the edge when I'm feeling all dark and twisty and who understand me and are just plain awesome.
5. My fun. Even when I am feeling dark and twisty, I'm still able to enjoy the perfection of a slice (or four) of Jet's pizza, the utter fabulousness of a Diet Dr Pepper at just the right moment or the absolute hilarity of my Tot when she tells me that she's the Blueberry Monster and that she is going to steal me and lock me in a tower and steal my sugars.
6. My relationship with God. I think this is the only thing we can ever be certain will never unravel. No matter how far you've let yourself go, how tired you are, how beat down you are, or how blah you are, God always loves you with passion and is always happy to have you near and close to Him. It's nice to know, that when things feel yucky and you think you are stretched so far that you may snap (or already have) that God is right there to give you a hug, maybe even a kick in the pants, and welcome you back to the land of the living.
Speaking of, I do believe that today at naptime I will read my bible and pray and get a little peace, fold a load of laundry, empty & fill the dishwasher, and then I will sit on my couch and finish some knitting while I watch some very funny TV. I will get done what needs to be done, and then I will sit and rest. I won't plan anything, I won't make any lists, I won't be thinking that I need to get anything else done. I'll just sit and rest, and recoup a little.
Then maybe tomorrow morning, when the kids have woken up early again and are demanding the various and sundry things they always do, I will instead smile and fetch and maybe even suggest some pancakes to go with that blue cup of milk.