I am sitting here almost force feeding my kids green beans. Why? Because they live on a steady diet of chicken nuggets, fries, goldfish crackers and various forms of fruit. At one point they ate vegetables, but that time has long since past. I realize that I could have it much worse, however, the total lack of any non-fried vegetable in their diet is starting to get to me. I don't want to have one of those kids that refuses to eat vegetables through adulthood and never knows the power of a crunchy stir fry.
Thus, I went to Kroger and filled my cart with an assortment of small canned vegetables. I know that fresh would taste better, but while my mind may contain high ideas of growing my own veggies in a lovely picketed garden, I'm also a whole lotta lazy. So, with a pantry full of green beans, peas, carrots, corn and some other thing I can't remember, I began my quest.
This evening Tot and Little David were driving my bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. What had started out as a beautifully lazy day, was winding down into a directly-disobeying-spankings-flying night. So I popped on my Unsinkable Mommy hat, and pinned the kids in the hall to their rooms with a baby gate. I told them that we were playing restaurant and while I, the cook, made dinner they needed to play. Tot, of course, wanted to order. She ordered Chicken Nuggets (suprise.) and I said that tonights specialty was Tasty Tasty Mac and Cheese. With squeals of glee at having such an exotic dinner, the kids fled into their rooms. Well, at least until they bugged me every five minutes asking when dinner was served.
Taking this as a sign that they might be adventurous tonight, I added on to their plates some pineapples and some green beans. When the kids were seated ("This way, Madam Tot. This way, Monsieur Bubba.") I told them that their side dishes were Pineapple Delight and Buttery, Bacony, Beans. I let each one squirt a little butter and drop a pinch of bacon bits on to the green beans. Dude, I was in like Flynn.
Apparently, no amount of calorie free butter and faux bacon bits will disguise the fact that a green bean is, in fact, a green bean. So, I resorted to out and out Because I Said So. "If you eat two green beans, I will give you some more Mac and Cheese. Tot, quit licking the green bean. Tot, seriously, knock it off. Just put the thing in your mouth and start eating. Taylor Dawn Chapman, you stop messing around and eat that bean Because I Said So!".
I'm pretty sure that I have yet to instill that intrinsic love of vegetables.
But Unsinkable, you say, where is the irony you spoke of in the title? Well, dear readers, I'm afraid it's less irony and more hypocrisy because I hate, hate, green beans. I will not eat them, no matter who serves them and how impolite I am being by not eating them. I will put them on my plate, but they won't touch any of the rest of my food. They are nasty little beans soaked in green evil. And no, butter and bacon do nothing to mask the taste of evil.
And so, tonight I find myself force feeding my Tot the very bean I have come to loathe in the name of giving her good life long eating habits. I'm pretty sure that instead I have just sent her to Vegetable Therapy.