Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Frustrated.

I'm frustrated right now. I'm frustrated because I'm not pregnant.

I know.

We're fast approaching topics I don't discuss here because while I like to be friends with all of you (even you lurkers - hello there!), there are certain things that are still private. This is SO one of them. However, I'm just so frustrated and well, irritated, that I feel the need to vent it all out and so I'm breaking all of my own rules. I've never been a particularly private person (yes, you can all laugh now) because I always feel better after sharing. I always feel better once whatever I am mulling over is out there in the open. I know not everyone is like me, and I know that some people are intensely private over this kindof thing and that's totally cool. But for me, this helps. It helps more than just putting it in a private journal or sharing it with a friend or family member over coffee. I can't explain it, but whatever I am feeling frustrated over, getting it out here makes me feel like I can move on.

And just so you don't have to wonder about how to respond, let me tell you the exact words that I need to hear.

Dude, that sucks.

That's all. No more, no less, no promises from God or anything else. Just those words alone. I find that giving people exact phrases to say lessens the likely hood that they will say something that will inadvertently make me irritated or sad or cry. No one means to, but a hormonal woman is a tricky creature at best. Also, I just forced my mom to tell me that this morning and it was hilarious, so I thought I would keep it going.


Dave and I have been wanting to have another baby for a few months now and it's just. not. happening. I had Tot and Little David without even blinking. Dave and I were that couple that used to joke about me getting pregnant if he just walked near me. When we first got married, we both wanted two kids, then after Tot we wanted four, then after Little David we. were. done. I was exhausted beyond belief, Dave was in a job that sucked his soul, and Tot was coming into her "personality". Another kid was SO not on the table.

But then things calmed down. Which got me thinking about how cute they were when they were small, how much I loved being pregnant (most of the time), and how I just really, really, didn't want to be done having kids. Dave SO did not agree. So we talked for a few months, and then for a few more months, and then for a few more months. We went back and forth with him not wanting anymore, then me not wanting anymore, then him holding a baby at church and wanting just one more, and me holding a baby and wanting just one more, then the kids being awful and we swore up and done we were through, etcetera etcetera etcetera.

And then, we agreed. We want one more.

I have to say, that first month I wasn't even concerned. I just knew I would be pregnant. After all, it never took more than less than a month before, right? My brother and his wife are the same way, and my parents were the same way. Just a family full of Fertile Myrtles. I started planning due dates, planning which kids would share rooms, what things I would do differently, what I would do the same. The whole time just knowing that I was pregnant.

But I wasn't. Then I wasn't again. Then I wasn't again. Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera.

"Dude, that sucks." Seriously!!

And now, here I sit. Still not pregnant, irritated with myself for assuming that such things were a given, irritated at my bunk lady parts, and trying (trying!) to keep a clear head about this. I know all the answers. I know that when God wants Dave and I to have another baby - we'll have another baby. I know that this is all a lovely lesson on my drastic need for control in all aspects in my life. I know that lots of people have trouble after never having trouble at all, and I know that just because it's taking longer than it did (and it still hasn't even been that long) that it doesn't mean it's not possible. I know that giving God control over this and not worrying is the right thing to do. I also know that I have a tendency to be dramatic in less than dramatic circumstances.

In my head, I know all these things.

But in my heart, I am frustrated.

"Dude, that sucks!" I know, right??

I have two beautiful, healthy, children whom I adore (even if they make me a little nutty), I have a superfab husband who loves me, even through my neurotic and obsessive tendencies, and I have friends and family who know just what to say to make me not worry. I've gone large amounts of time, lately, not thinking about babies, pregnancies, or anything else reproductively related and I've been fine. I've given it over to God in prayer and Dave and I have been completely happy and not concerned. This hasn't been a specter looming over my head making me unable to think of anythings else or find joy regardless of the outcomes. Despite my irritation, I've been able to let it roll off of me and not worry much and I've even been able to joke about my "barren womb" ("Hi, I'm Chandler, I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable"). I've had lots of fun the past few months (can anyone say BIRTHDAY PRESENTS??) and I've not worried the time away.

But today I am frustrated. Today, I just want the waiting game to be over. Today, I want to be done thinking about this. Today, I want to not have to have this in the back of my mind each month. Today, I just want the conclusion, not the "joy in the journey". Today, I want to wallow in the irritation until my fingers get all pruney.

"Dude, that sucks."

For real.

19 comments:

Angela said...

Dude that sucks

I'm sorry. [nothing else can be said]

LeeAnn said...

Hi Kristen,
I'm a 'lurker' (I grew up at church w/ Daisha's husband JR), but I just had to comment today b/c I feel the exact-same-way! We lost a baby to a miscarriage this year and I am SO ready to be pregnant again. To top it off, all three other couples of childbearing age in our small group are pregnant...one I just found out about yesterday. It was hard. Very hard. I just want to be the one that has the happy news. It's definitely a "give it over to God...let go of the control you crazy woman" issue for me too. Still doesn't make it easy to wait. Just wanted to let you know...today...I feel ya!

Tiffany said...

Dude, that sucks.

Beth said...

That sucks Dude

Sorry I just had to be different...

Amy Lu said...

Dudeth, that sucketh.

Dude, suck that! (yoda)

Diana Richards said...

Chick (you are so NOT a dude) that inhales sharply! (I don't say suck! Oh crap...I just said it...and I said crap! Now, I'm not curse free since '93...dude..>THAT sucks!)

Sarah said...

Dude, that sucks.

Nicole McIntyre said...

Dude, that sucks so much I feel the need to buy you a vacuum for Christmas. Just don't hold out for a Dyson cause I don't have that kind of cash...

Love ya! Big hugs coming your way!

Chad Gardner said...

Dude, what really sucks is that I was going to be the first person to post: "Dude, that sucks" on your blog. But some other dudes beat me to the suck punch. So dude... that sucks.

Kether said...

Lurker here, too, hello there back at you.

Yeah. It sucks. Been my life for three years. Really, really sucks.

Tracey Clem said...

Dude...well, you know the rest.

Kyla said...

It sucks and I understand! I was going to call you last night but I was afraid that my whining and crying about my own barren womb would make you feel worse. We do need to catch up though.

The Aubrinator said...

DUDE, that sucks. I am just like you. I can't wait. When I decide, I want to get the show on the road. So I hope your show goes on the road very very soon.

April Spicer said...

Dudette, that sucks. Can't wait to see you in just 1 week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

taralynn819 said...

Hey back! ;)

The biggest thing I totally hear you on in this post is the need to vent and the need for others to validate that need to vent.

A while back I wrote a couple "frustration" posts (just to air out because once I air out I'm done and feel better like a good cry feels better). Some of my readers understood this processing out loud but most automatically tried to "fix" me or alluded to an attitute adjustment ASAP or the signature, "cry out to God in your need".

I know and I know and I know.

Makes being transparent on the blog extremely difficult and gives you the urge to disclaimer EVERYTHING I write. Which is entirely draining, especially when I'm in the middle of a frustration and don't want to have to deal with peeps at the moment, well meaning as they may be.

But that doesn't suck quite as much as your post. And I have to say I've read many a post on infertility issues and it makes me a twinge afraid because we haven't even tried for kids yet...

Robin said...

okay, I am delayed...having had time to get on and check your blog in a couple of days, but to give dues to the blog...
Dude that sucks!

And it would have been great to hear your mom say it as well. You could have thrown in a Cra*! That sucks and it would have been even funnier! (you see I didn't finish the word out of respect for Miss Cynthia! hahaha)

Anonymous said...

Dude.that.really.sucks.royally.
I am a lurker (would LOVE to meet you one day!), but I want you to know that you encourage so many of us. I hope that you find the encouragement that you need today.
I remember growing up "in the church" and we were always told if you had sex before marriage, you would get pregnant. Well...the thought never crossed your mind that if you WANTED to get pregnant (in marriage, of course) that it wouldn't happen! That sucks too.
I just wanted to say I understand.
Please keep us laughing...and it IS OKAY to let us know when you're hormonal, too. Sorry to the boys...most of the gals can really feel with this one.

The Garrett's said...

Dude that sucks.

And I'm sorry for laughing out loud at the expression "bunk lady parts." :)

Jennifer said...

No need to apologize, friend. That does in fact suck, dude. I'll remember this mantra request next time I go through something that royally sucks. Sure do appreciate your honesty and candid-ness.