Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Unsinkable's Enemy List

I read somewhere that any good blog needs an enemy. A mortal enemy. It's not enough for readers to rally around a good ideal (Unsinkableness, m&m's, Strongness) - there has to be something that we all unite against. Think of all the good we could do if we only banded (band? bound? what is the right word/tense there?) together and fought side by side? But there are so many enemies at the gate. So many causes to choose from. If we are to do any good at all we have to pick good ones. The best ones. The most worth of an Unsinkable Force of Good.

And thus, I have composed the list of Unsinkable's Mortal Enemies. I may also compose a Watch List, that is, things that aren't quite at enemy status, but if they get much worse they will be - I don't know - it's still in the works. So today, instead of being thankful, we are going to unite against some truly heinous things. They are threefold:

1. Green Beans. I loathe, loathe, green beans. They are long, green, and beany. Could there be a worse food combination?? Slather them in butter, bacon, ham, whatever. Freshly pick them, I don't care. They are a detestable freak of nature and they are my enemy. One can not live while the other survives. Green Beans are my Voldemort. We should all rally against them and slowly eradicate them from the American diet. World extinction is our goal.

2. The word "Fart". I mean, seriously. Why are we even using this word? It sounds gross, even grosser than the action it represents. I hate even typing it. Our family fights the power by using the words "toot" "too-too" and "that" - as in "I just did that". See? Replacement is so easy. It's not like eradicating the world of Green Beans. This is a very beatable enemy. The "F Bomb" stands for everything crass and unnecessary in this world. I declare war upon it. My mom also declares war on this word.

3. Dave's Toenail Growth - I realize that this is a personal thing, but it is so truly terrible that you should all unite with me. Dave's toenails grow FAST. Freak show fast. It doesn't matter how often he clips them (which, frankly, isn't that often), within days they are eight inches long and scratching my legs under the bed. Is there anything worse than snuggling up to your spouse and being met with talon-like claws on their normally nice man-feet? No. There isn't. And this is why we fight. Not for ourselves, but for the greater good of the free world. The world should not have to deal with Dave's toe nails. It should impose nail cutting sanctions upon him. Failure to adhere to said sanctions should be met with the expectation of him posting a short apology on this blog. Each. time. he. forgets. This is not only my enemy, this is yours. Because I can't beat this alone. I need your help. Also, how funny would it be to wake up one morning and check my blog only to read an apology from Dave for not clipping his toenails? Classic.

Author's Note: Full consent from Dave was given before the writing and publication of this enemy list. In fact, number three was his idea. He knows how bad it is. It's no secret.

And there it is, Dear Readers. The Enemy List. From this point on out, any negative feelings we may have, any discontent we may feel, any mood swing or bad day, all of that can go towards fighting against Green Beans, The Word "Fart", and Dave's Toenail Growth. Won't you join me, as we stand and sing.

Author's Last Note: Do feel free to comment on your own personal enemy list. There's no judging here.


Sarah said...

I just can't get behind the green bean dischord. I'm sorry, UK.

However, fart and Dave's disgusting freakshow toenails - that I can get behind.

I have to add the phrase "take a dump" to this enemy list. I think that is disgusting and I absolutely cannot stand when people say that.

Chappy said...

i knew this was coming and i looked at the toes last night and thought to myself, "self, you should do something about that". and then mythbusters came on blowing stuff up again and i did nothing. sorry.

Robin said...

Funny thing is that your enemy list is my enemy list. I hate green beans...I never fed them to the kids as baby food and I don't make them eat them today. I have only found one way that I LOVE GB's and that was with your Aunt Susan! hahaha FRIED at TGIF's (with the sauce of course)!

*Fart*, we grew up saying "fluff" if we said anything at all. My mom also hated the other word, however it sounded pretty funny when my dad was made to say fluff! My kids call it a burp...sometimes Peyton says that she burped and gas came out of her bottom...I think it is very scientific (yeah right), but others just think she is trying to be funny. I don't know that she has ever heard the word *fart*

and James has freakishly fast growing toenails as well...although I wasn't the good wife that you were and I didn't get permission to post that comment!

i don't think I will add anything to the list...this comment is already long enough!

Debra said...

I am completely with you on the "f" word ... in fact, all "f" words should be banished in my opinion ... nothing nice about any of them ... unless the "f" word is FUN or FABULOUS or FANTASTIC. But all words having other ugly content or that even sound gross must go! :)

Jen S. said...

Too too too funny!

My darling dh has the same issue with toenails.

Thanks for sharing!

Donielle @ Raising Peanuts said...

Sorry - I love green beans! :-) But I will totally get behind you on the F-word! I teach my little guy toot, but somehow he learned the word fart along the way. Unfortunately it's when he or anyone else burps. Yea, he's 2, we'll give him a break. As long as he doesn't yell it out in public.

sharilyn said...

thoroughly enjoyed reading this post! :) i do like gb's, but i feel that way about canned mushrooms. completely. the ARE the enemy! :)

as for the f-word...well, my mom always said "break wind", which, to me, sounds ridiculous...i mean, what are you saying then when you say you're wearing a windbreaker?!?!? i don't know a good substitute for the word, though i've been pondering that question the past couple of days. i want to post a video clip of male elephant seals so people can hear the sounds they make...and one of the sounds is an "f"sound... i don't know what to call it?!?! Help!!!! :)